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Asshole Fuckfaces don抰 just drop out of trees. They are created through years of suffering and hate. At some point, they burst through, like a hideous, moist, disgusting mushroom, for all to see. To be an Asshole Fuckface, you really must do something spectacularly wrong. My ancestors began writing the Asshole Fuckface Roundup when paper was invented. Before that, they used their own stool to write on caves. (That was a bummer for everyone.) Today, I carry on the family tradition of locating and shining a light on the Asshole Fuckfaces of the world. It抯 a sickening job and often I smash my head into a wall until I become unconscious. But when I come to, covered in my own vomit, I go right back at it. Why Because I love America. So, put on your favorite leather apron, because this is going to be ugly.

My first Asshole Fuckfaces of the week are a couple of dudes who enjoy methamphetamines a bit too much.

This week was not so good for dudes who like to make bombs, do meth and drive mini vans. In North Carolina, a couple of meth heads decided to make some pipe bombs. So, what do a couple of Asshole Fuckfaces do after they抳e made pipe bombs How about ask their lady meth head friend for the mini van, then head over to the local school and try to blow up some kids

How抎 do you think that worked out

Sampson County deputies found a Chevrolet minivan outside Sampson Regional Medical Center with a side window blown out and blast marks on the outside of a door.

Inside the hospital emergency room, Martin Bryant Boyette and Julio Frentez Morales were receiving treatment for injuries from a bomb blast, authorities said.

Thankfully, the two geniuses blew themselves up when they tried to throw the bomb out the window of the mini van as they drove past Hobbton School.

The bomb went off in Morales’ hand, seriously injuring him, and a piece of shrapnel hit Boyette in the back of the head.

Police found another pipe bomb when they searched Boyette抯 house. Then they searched the woman who owned the mini van and discovered she was holding two grams of meth. Wow, that抯 surprising. And another guy 搃nvolvedin the attempted school bomb toss was also arrested for holding one gram of meth.

They抮e all in jail except for the blown up Asshole Fuckface, who is in the hospital. Hey kids don抰 do meth.

My next Asshole Fuckface is the worst motivational speaker of all time.

Meet Russell J. Simon Jr. He helps kids by spreading his message 揟EN SECONDS CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER.” Russell believes anyone can 揵ecome the kind of person you want to live with for the rest of your life. And he should know. Russell, 45, is a convicted felon and drug addict who travels the country speaking to kids about the dangers of drugs and a criminal lifestyle. He explains to teens how he beat his demons and turned his life around.

According to his website,

His is message is especially effective for:

- Students
- Youth groups
- Parents
- Teachers and education professionals

But his demons seem to still be hanging around a bit.

On May 14th, Russell went to a few bars with his ex-prison buddy Todd Paulson and then they went back to Simon抯 house to keep the party going. Then they had an argument. Then Russell took off his clothes. Then Russell and Todd started fighting. Then Russell hit Todd in the face with a John Wayne statue.

Did I mention Russell was living with a lady and her kid Yep. At this point, she became involved, probably because her boyfriend was naked fighting with an old prison buddy. That抯 when Russell pulled out a .380 handgun and chases his lady and Todd down the stairs, while shooting. He shot six or seven times but didn抰 hit anyone. Todd managed to run out of the house, but Russell抯 girlfriend didn抰 want to leave because her nine-year-old son was still inside.

She called the police. At that point, Russell showed what motivational speaking is all about. He pointed the gun at his lady抯 head and told her to blow him or he would kill her and her son. She did. Her son witnessed 搈ost of the events.

The police eventually were able to arrest Russell without incident. He is being held on $1 million bail because when he was in prison he called his ex-wife and threatened her. This dude is seriously motivated.

My next Asshole Fuckface is a shapeshifter.

Last week in Nigeria, there was a rather disturbing incident. Three cats were crossing a road in the city of Port Harcourt, when a motorcycle hit one. That抯 when the Asshole Fuckfacery occurred. It seems the cat was not a cat at all, but a woman.

WHAT could be described as a fairy tale turned real on Wednesday in Port Harcourt, Rivers State, as a cat allegedly turned into a middle-aged woman after being hit by a commercial motorcycle on Aba/Port Harcourt Expressway.

Well, that抯 just wrong. Anyone who is running around in the shape of a cat is up to no good.

According to a source who witnessed what happened, the cat-woman said she and the two other cat-fellows had traveled from Abuja to Port Harcourt to kill three people. 揟he woman said they came to Port Harcourt from Abuja and that they came to kill three people. She said they had succeeded in killing two people, but the third person, whom I guess might be a pastor, was difficult for them and that they were preparing to go back to Abuja.br />

Well, there you go. The woman was a murderer/cat. One of the other two 揷atsescaped, while locals beat the third to death. It retained its cat shape throughout its beating and death. Locals also beat the Asshole Fuckface cat that turned into an Asshole Fuckface woman.

The cat-woman was seen sitting on the ground with blood all over her body. The right side of her face had a deep cut from what was gathered to be from a cutlass. She was later taken to a hospital for medical attention. It took the intervention of policemen to prevent the mob from killing her.

Ordinarily, I don抰 support beatings, but when someone comes to town in the form of a cat with the intent of murder, I believe violence is the answer.

Police are keeping an eye on the shapeshifter.

She has been taken to Teme Clinic. Police will still be guarding her so that she will not disappear.

Good. Oh, and I抎 like to do a quick Asshole Fuckface reversal. Everyone in this story who was not called an Asshole Fuckface is now an Asshole Fuckface and vise versa.

Next up, why leave Africa when the place seems to be loaded with Asshole Fuckfaces

The country of Gambia has a president who makes most Asshole Fuckfaces seems like angels. Last week, President Yahya Jammeh told gays to leave the country or he would have them beheaded.

“The Gambia is a country of believers … sinful and immoral practices (such) as homosexuality will not be tolerated in this country,” the president told a crowd at a political rally on May 15.

He went on to say he would “cut off the head” of any gay person caught in The Gambia.

That抯 some pretty serious homophobia, there, Yahya. Look, if you want to suck a cock, go for it. Don抰 take out your self-loathing on every gay person in Gambia.

After Yahya made the speech, he made sure the local paper followed up.

“We have said it before and we will say it again. This is a Muslim and Christian country. Both the Koran and the holy Bible condemn homosexuality - pure and simple,” the paper wrote on Monday.

Is this a weird time to tell you to 搒uck it The Gamia economy brings in a lost of money from tourism. How about we all stop going there

Congrats to all of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a FearTheReaper bred hypo-allergenic cat.